By: Barrington Stone
Disclaimer: As with any article involving saving money, this involves some shady things and is meant as comedy, not real advice. Also, Django dies at the end.
For many students, the return to Rowan is eased with the shiny new clink of Christmas cash and Hanukkah checks, but for many others it is a daunting realization that they’ve been unemployed for over a month and that those new semester clothes won’t buy themselves. If you haven’t been working at all this winter, you’re fucked. But you can hardly be to blame– the economy has us proud women and men of academia digging through the trash heaps of employment along with our high school counter parts. Luckily, after having spent 7 years at Rowan and many winters wasting away behind video games, I’ve learned the tricks and bullshit it takes to start the semester off with a bang– a really broke bang.
1. Your BoroBucks are not fucking endless. I know this has been said on here at least once by now, but despite our sad little brains’s insistence that BoroBucks are not actual money (along with its sad insistence that people do actually love you), BoroBucks is actual money, your money, your parents money, or the money of a bank that is shooting little gentle loads of cum each time you scream YOLO and swipe for some cheddar burgers at Checkers . (For the record– no, I don’t know what they actually serve at Checkers, I eat at Wendy’s like a dignified adult.) This honestly shouldn’t need saying, but it does, because we all fall for it every semester.
You’re still going to do it; you don’t even care, do you?
2. Tupperware Tuesdays, everyday. Sodexo is renowned world wide for providing the best prison and college “food” while maintaining a steady stream of labor violations to keep things hip. While the quality of the food does sway from abysmal to decent, one thing most students agree on is that it is too damn expensive (I would insert that meme with Kenan in it, but its 2013, we’re better than that now, I swear). Though I am generally against stealing, bringing Tupperware into the cafeteria isn’t EXACTLY theft; you could easily just load your backpack with all the food you could ever want and eat it right there on the spot. Or you could take it home and make it last for a week’s worth of snacks and lunches you would otherwise use your BoroBucks for.
3. Download your books! In the age of the ever increasing tuition bill, textbooks should not be the straw that breaks the overworked students back. The textbook industry is fucking us and there is no lubrication in sight. Torrent that shit, call up more computer savvy friends and gain access to the grimy soot covered world of pirated e-textbooks, just stop buying textbooks, save money, save trees, vote Jill Stein 2012! (Sorry, I’m still not over it…)
4. Free Instant Money, with a catch. This only applies for students who are either taking loans or are relying on parents who have too much money to know what to do with.
Register for as many classes as possible (if you’re doing this now, then you may be restricted to some of the bottom of the barrel classes like anything involving anthropology). Then drop those classes like you’re an undervalued member of a relationship. If done properly (before the add drop period ends obviously) you should be receiving a nice fat refund check courtesy of your future indebted self. Obviously this is a terrible idea, but who cares, we’re young and our prefrontal cortexes are undeveloped and thirsty for booze and questionable sex.